as you know, i am currently not engaging in any sort of communication with you, even physical contact. there is a reason for it. i am doing this not because to punish you or make you suffer. i don’t even think you are suffering based on your twitter updates (well, i don’t know what are you even doing in FB). it is because, i wanted to. it is because i want to test or in clear terms, experiment. i think i dont have any sort of passionate feelings upon you anymore and i want to prove it by doing this. will i ever get lonely? missing you? craving for you? well, so far. the answer is NO.

i think there are factors that made me feel this way. let me try my best to explain it to you. first thing, when i realised that you have been cheating to me for so many times now. ok let me put a brief account on all the cheatings that you did that i can remember ; you secretly met with your ex-bf and sit in his car for long period of time, you went out with a friend of mine to a beach to drink alcohol, you had an affair with a footballer ( of which you persistently do it over and over again) and you had a repulsive relationship with a student. well that is all i can remember.

realising the amount of pain you have given me through all your stupidites, and the fact that you even humiliated me with your repulsive behaviours in twitter and facebook, i was thinking whether i should feel enough is enough?. i still dont know.

then i realised, you are not doing bad, that you have lots of companies with you. i am glad that you are happy now that you are not alone. i thank those who are always there to be with you, making you laugh and joyful. it makes me happy knowing that you are happy.

ok lets talk more about me and i will try my best to describe my mistakes to you. ok, first of all, i am not always there for you. chatting with you, or even calling you. i admit it. i confessed. why? i dont know. i just dont feel like to. i prefer to be alone, doing things i want to do. but i will stress a point here, i never done things that will disappoint our relationship. usually the things i did was mostly about my self. want to know what i do everyday? usually boring stuffs and it is the truth. i watch tv, i sleep, i surf the internet blindly, i go to the gym and thats it. and it is amazing how it consumed my daily hours frighteningly. and most of the time, i didnt even think about you. what do you think is happening to me? i  dont know. i guess you know more of my mistakes because you are the victim here that made you did things that eventually destroyed all my feeling for you. i said it before, never cheat on me. even though the slightest of form. i said it before…

now, here we are now brought to a standstill. i tried my best describing my feeling to you as briefly and as clearly as i can. the paragraph above i think briefly sums it up. it is up to you to analyze what actually is happening to my feelings for you, because it is excruciatingly difficult to describe it on my own.

i feel emptiness in my heart right now but at the same time.. space. a space that i seriously need at this time.

one more thing, i was wondering. you said things about this Farid Kamil guy and how much you adore him and you being the spouse. i noticed that the wafi kid that you been having a relationship with is using farid kamil picture ad his fb dp. that gave me a clue, that you are still having a relationship with him even though i warned you already. whether i’m too premature in my judgement or just plain good at digging out facts, it is up to the truth to decide.

anyways, i will write again in the future. if i think i need to write.

goodbye.

]]> http://zazu089.wordpress.com/2011/06/11/27/feed/ 0 zazu089 http://zazu089.wordpress.com/2010/09/29/the-test-of-time/ http://zazu089.wordpress.com/2010/09/29/the-test-of-time/#comments Wed, 29 Sep 2010 14:45:26 +0000 zazu089 http://zazu089.wordpress.com/?p=24 ]]> Time tests you with many things. First of many of these is how well you realize time has given you to use. Some people use it well, while some don’t. Many of us realize that at the end of the day, we end up in regret because of the wasting we did.

Later in time, you are blockaded with many obstacles that many of us surrender to. Some manage to go through and succeed, but often with the blessing of luck and effort.

Time also will give you the test of age. As we grow older, how much we gain will come into consideration. How much we have achieved. How much we have gained. And also how much time left for us to live.

Time also show you the past. What have we learned from our mistakes and also what are we going to do to avoid the same mistakes again and again. We, indifferent and moronic in nature, often forget about this and later succumb to frustration, disappointment and failure. So we can clearly say, our nature is the source of our downfall.

Time is passive and always be like that. It is up to us to be active and change who and what we are, a change that can make things better in our life.

Our definition of a successful life can be varied but we must always remember; with the time given to us, we have the power to decide where we want to go.

i played my guitar the whole morning playing the same tune over and over. i didnt realize it went on for an hour or so. funny actually, i forget everything (mostly pain and heartache) when i play. as if i am meditating, putting my mind off to neverland. as if i dont exist. as if concepts, ideas and perceptions are useless. i like it that way. why cant we all have it that way?

a lot of things to do this morning. well, i dont have to tell you every single bits and pieces of what im going to do. although i appreaciate your time you put to read this little excerpt of mine although i think it will never be useful to you in anyway. thanks.

i wonder how i will look like in the photograph. i shaved my facial hair clean. damn, i surely wont be going out so often anymore. i dont feel like myself anymore. where am i? oh yeah. down the drain. down down down spiralling to wastage. until one day reunited with the universe in some way. only god will know.

It’s been few days now since the results came out. I expected it to be like that but was never really prepared to face it. I had a hell of a few days ever since. I cant sleep. But i eat a lot. Way to spend my stress mode. At least im not getting sick of not getting enough eat.

I thought that i will achieve a better result in my classification. So that i can go somewhere i always dream of going. But now, it is all lost. I ask myself, why am i like this? Why am i designated underachiever? Am i born to become pieces of mediocrity? Then why is it that i have this undeserved dreams? Is it me or is it fate wanting me to be like this? All these stupid questions ringing in my head. Questions that ring in my head whenever i try to sleep. how i wish things can be different. How i wish i can just turn back time. How i wish i can hack the system and do whatever i want. But is pointless to dream of things that will forever remain as dreams.  What the hell am i supposed to do now? What..?

All these fucking questions.